Men….ugh.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with the amount and kind of male attention I’ve been getting lately. I really never expected any of this to happen. I assumed life would go back to the way things were before dating DJ. AKA…. The period of time where no one was interested in me. So… days… weeks… and months after the breakup I’m bombarded with guys from my past that show interest (whom by the way… don’t live ANYWHERE near me) and new guys who also don’t live near me that want to date me in some form or fashion.

It’s becoming a bit overwhelming. I like quite a few of them. Some of them I would consider dating for fun, but nothing serious would ever come of it. I don’t know how you guys were raised, but I was always taught… never date a guy you wouldn’t consider marrying at some point. Kinda made me a bit picky through the years. But is that so wrong? There’s a couple of guys (2) at this point… if they moved here, I’d insist to see a ring on my finger ASAP. Haha.

And prior to dating DJ I would have NEVER thought like this… But there’s one guy I want to meet who is sexy, funny, and has the most evil little giggle when he’s in “the mood” that I want to just flat out fuck. Yeah… he makes me melt and lives close to me. One of the guys I’d consider marrying is this way to me too, but he’s on another continent. I’VE LOST MY FRIGGIN’ MIND HERE!

It’s just strange to me. I don’t know how to deal with all the attention. And how do I break it to the guys that I don’t like without hurting their feelings? I have signed up on personal sites to meet new guys and make new friends (I EVEN insisted on the sites that I’m there for friends first) but the more I communicate, the deeper I get. I think it’s time to cancel my memberships. The only reason I joined in the first place was the fact that I live in a tiny town.. and all my other guy friends are DJ’s friends. Not cool.

I’m also troubled by a certain North Carolinian who says he’s “in love” with me, but it’s hard for me to believe. How can one say that they are in love with you when not less than 3 weeks ago he had a girlfriend? He seems really threatened by me making new male friends too. I used to REALLY like him. I care for him a lot, but I somehow do not see that relationship working. Not only is it long distance… but there’s trust issues to begin with. Lame.

I’m also starting to rethink my stance on long distance relationships. I used to think they were definitely impossible, but there’s a certain Scot I’d like to nail down and forget about the rest. *sigh* Scotland has snow…you know?

Ugh… gotta run.. To Be Continued….

What people need to understand…

I am a full time student.
I have a full time job.
I have a personal life.
I’m not being paid to make videos for YouTube.
Yes, my videos may be late…but at least I try to post something.
Those are my VALID excuses.
I’m not here to make everyone happy.
But, I do show respect when respect is given.
I don’t appreciate being bashed because I take care of my REAL life BEFORE YouTube.
I guess I should have thought about that before I joined F5.
I’m in serious need of a vacation….a real one this time.

He fucking bit me! *grin*

OKay…so I know I haven’t blogged or vlogged about my breakup with DJ. And I think at this time…it’s okay. I’m not ready to talk about it openly to the world yet.

That being said…it’s only been a week and a half since it happened so I need to take things slow. I realize this now. BUT…I neeeeeed to tell my story of this past weekend and give you a little back story about my main characters. Haha.

After the breakup…I was certain that my friends (mutual friends of DJ and I) would hate me. I mean…REALLY HATE ME. I’ve known Michael and Lindsey since high school They were high school sweethearts. I’ll admit to crushing on him severely. Haha. But, I knew they were meant for each other. ANYHOW…DJ became friends with Mike and Linds when we all worked together at Stacey’s Coffee Shop. He even lived with them at different times. We were both in their wedding. We were there when their first child was born. I love Connor Levi more than I can express in words. So 6 years of a relationship crumbled into a mess. I ended it. I thought Mike and Lindsey would be upset. And then 3 days later, Mike calls ME! He called to make sure I was okay. I was just blown away. I swear I nearly cried when I got off the phone….but sucked it up because crying at work is a not cool. They invited me to come stay the weekend with them in CLIMAX, Georgia since Lindsey was already in labor with their second child. I can’t wait to meet Noah Christopher. Sadly….he took his sweet time..and as far as I know, still hasn’t been born yet! Good grief kid! I know Linds has to be MISERABLE. Mike and Linds shared with me that they were surprised I had lasted as long as I did in the relationship. They were painfully aware that DJ would not grow up. And I was so thankful for their honesty and I finally feel like I made the right choice.

So I left on Sunday to head to Tallahassee to meet up with an old friend/coworker for his birthday. And here’s where the fun begins.

Meet Erik. He and I worked together 8 years ago at the Veteran Service Office here while we were going to Chipola college. It was for a work study/G.I. Bill thing. He’s ex-military. He’s extremely comical, charming, and sexy. At the time I met him…he had two tongue rings (OMG) and just seemed like the bad boy, you know? I’ve never been a real confident person. ESPECIALLY when around guys. Then this guy start flirting with me and I don’t know how to handle things. He swear up and down that he asked me out and I said “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I must have blocked that STUPID move out. We worked together for over a year. I liked hanging out with him. He kept me laughing. BTW…The V.A. office where we worked was inside what used to be the county jail. They use the cells for county office storage. I’ve even been down to solitary. Super fun. Anyhow…after a few months and a kiss inside one of the cells … he disappears. I still remember that kiss. I was nervous as hell. But it was soft and sexy and and and….I’m getting all flustered just thinking about it! And imagine with TONGUE RINGS.

I randomly thought about him through the years, wondering where he went and if he was okay. I knew his mom had died and he kind of lost track of his goals in life. But that’s all I knew.

Flash forward to May 2009.

I found him on Facebook. I FOUND HIM! I swear I nearly fell out of my chair. And it’s not because I was still crushing on him. I was just glad he was still alive, for crying out loud! He came to Cobb and Stacia’s wedding because he was good friends with Cobby. (DJ and I were in that one too…ugh.) I can’t tell you how psyched I was to see him! He looked like he hadn’t aged a day. I know I looked different. I have a darker personality, darker style, and I’m at least 30 to 40 pounds heavier. He called me gorgeous. I thought to myself…REALLY? This guy is calling chunky monkey me gorgeous?

I’m a little more confident than I was back then so I wasn’t nearly as quiet around him at the wedding. I introduced him to DJ. DJ never really liked when I made new guy friends or reconnected with old ones. (For example…the previous blog about my friend Jason from high school.) So he was less than cordial wth Erik. It pissed me off.

He made DJ nervous. DJ even said he didn’t feel right about him. DJ DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM! Ugh. Once again…6 years in a relationship and he still is insecure and wont trust me. I NEVER CHEATED and NEVER would. That’s not the kind of person I am. Phew…now that I’m done with that rant….I can continue my story.

I kept up contact with him via facebook and random phone calls. He caught me up on the past 6 or 7 years since he vanished and pestered me about “rejecting him”. Haha. I still don’t remember! But, whatever.

After the breakup and him talking to me about what to expect from DJ in the aftermath… he suggested I come to Tallahassee the day after his birthday and hang out. To get my mind off things and just have fun because I had been so miserable over the past few months.

PAUSE. I need to take this time to say BIG HUGE thank you’s to the people who talked to me the night of the breakup. I was a horrible wreck and I’m sorry that some of what I said was and incoherent mess of emotional nonsense. You guys really helped me focus and realize that I deserve to be happy. Casey, Nicole, Jack, Natalia, and Erik.

Alright..carrying on. I stayed the weekend with Mike and Linds this past weekend hoping the baby would be born before I left for Tallahassee on Sunday. I’m still waiting for an update. Haha.

Sunday…I admit to dressing to sort of impress. I wanted to be pretty. I deserved to feel pretty. But, I didn’t over do it! I wanted to be pretty AND comfortable. And damnit…I was.

I met him at Mori’s (hibachi restaurant). He wanted to take me there because I had never experienced the whole hibachi thing before. He said I was pretty. *grin* He fussed at me when I went to open the door to the restaurant. He said it was his job to open doors. He even pulled out my chair for me. I thought this wasn’t taught to boys anymore! Hello chivalry! Nice to meet you!

Mori’s was sooo interesting! I loved how you could watch them make your food and they cracked jokes and did tricks. I can’t wait to go back. Erik taught me how to use chopsticks. I still FAIL, but at least I got the concept down. And the amount of food was enormous! I barely ate 1/3 of it. Yay for my diet! Haha.

We headed over to the mall to find something to do. He had me close my eyes and he led me to a photobooth. I would have protested had I known that he was leading me there. I despise those things….especially at my current weight. But I did it anyway.

 

We decided to catch a movie and the only thing that was playing that both of us hadn’t seen…was Final Destination 4….in 3D. That should have been a straight to DVD movie. But it was fun. He kept trying to hold my hand….and succeeded when I wasn’t jumping out of my skin at the gore. Fun stuff.

After the movie we headed to our vehicles. He hugged me to say goodbye and pulled away slightly before suprising me with a kiss. I honestly did not see that one coming. It was soft and sweet. Sugar sweet didn’t last long….because it turned into a whole mess of HOT. As if the kiss wasn’t enough…he recalled my interest in vampires from AGES ago and how I thought the whole hair pull/vampire bite was a total turn on. Oh gawd…I should really not be so open about my turn ons. His hand went into my hair pulled my head to the side.. and he bit me. HE REALLY FUCKING BIT ME! And it was AMAZING. I can remember my eyes flying open like.. WTF?!?! And then they rolled into the back of my head. Mmmm. Let just say…I nearly lost the use of my knees and had to steady myself against my car after he let go the first time. He said he felt like he was 8 years younger…and we were back at the VA office goofing around. He’s…he’s….*sigh*

After that…I was a goner. I couldn’t complete an intelligible sentence and probably sounded like a complete idiot. I don’t know what switches off in my brain that turns me into such a goober. When it started to rain we said goodbye and went our separate ways. Lord knows I had a hard time concentrating and driving. But, I made it home safe.

Now…how do I recover myself for the next time I see him? If there is a next time…? I don’t want things to be awkward. Because afterall…I want him as a friend first. I wont be ready for another relationship for a long time. I want to put myself first for a while. I am so tickled and nervous about the whole thing.

Man… he really bit me! My neck is still pleasantly sore. Raawwwwr! Haha.

Until next time.

Written for me… *swoon*

The following was written for me by one of the most romantic, charming, sexiest men I know…
It give me goosebumps and butterflies….

Her eyes deep pools of mystery.. .
in which I could drown myself, if she would only let me
Her hair like cascades from a waterfall running wild,
tempting me closer still, though I know the danger
Her bright smile and laughter reminds me of the gentle touch of summerwind.. .
thus she always brings spring to my heart
Her love is something precious.. . that I will always cherish.. .
because I know that she is like me. .. and it is not lightly given. ..
but if so.. . remains steadfast and true.. . for all eternity. ..
That is why I love her.. . mildest Lady.. . Keeper of my Heart.. . Caretaker of my Soul.. .
and yet I fear her.. . like I fear the endless night
For love is joy.. . laughter and bliss. .. but also treason.. . jealousy and despair.. .
a razor’s edge the path I walk.. . and pray that I do not fall

Trippin’ on the guilt train…

Guilt trip: A feeling of shame or embarrassment, especially if self-indulgent, unwarranted, exaggerated or felt over a significant period of time; remarks intended to produce such a feeling. Guilt is a higher form of development than shame. Guilt has an internal punitive voice which operates at the level superego (an internalized punitive harsh parental figure).

I REALLY hate those. I hate it when it is about who you are as a person. I mean…your likes…your dislikes…what makes you happy. Your beliefs, personally, religiously, ethically. I especially hate it when it comes from people you love or say they love you. OMG…and guilt mixed with obligation….esp…volunteered obligation. I deal with this more than I’d care to admit. Or putting off my happiness to make others proud of me or to make them happy. While I think it’s great to make someone proud of you or make someone else happy…I just think it should float both ways, ya know. Don’t compromise your health, well-being, joy for doing what others want from you if it doesn’t give you the same feelings.

Geez..I’m probably waaaaaay over-complicating this issue.

No one should ever feel ashamed of who they are or what they are doing, unless what they are doing is an illegal crime, morally wrong or something like that. Though you may influence somebody’s way of thinking and their state of mind, in the end it is them who makes their own decision.

I’m bloggin about this because I almost always feel like I’m on some constant guilt trip to Ashamed-of-myselfville with one person or another. I guess that’s why I hate it so much.

Yes…I have my own standards that I feel I must live up to, but I should not expect anyone else to do so. I like what I like. I do what makes me happy, when I can.

What I’m trying to say is… if I don’t like something about you, so be it. Would I try to change you or make you stop? NO…unless it was physically harmful or something.

I don’t like a lot of things, but I have the desire to find common ground in everything. And I expect that of the people around me. You may not like me, the things I like, the beliefs I have etc., but at least make an effort to understand it, accept it, join in (if you want), or just leave it be.

I’m not changing for anyone, but myself. And I wouldn’t expect any of you to either.

I’m officially apologizing to anyone who I’ve ever made feel like they weren’t good enough or were less of a person because of some aspect of their being. I’m trying to be a better person.

I hope I’m being clear. I’m really bad at talking about something and confusing the heck out of it. I don’t want this to be a big deal. I just want people to understand that it bothers me.

P.S. I found this….( http://www.wikihow.com/Give-Someone-a-Guilt-Trip ) and was slightly amused that someone would post a How-to on guilt trips. And I think it’s hilarious that they say that this should be used to avoid an argument. HELLO!!!! ALL GUILT TRIPS LEAD TO FIGHTS. Maybe not right away…but it will build up until the other person explodes. And they may not explode directly to you, which could cause more drama.

Just watch…I’m gonna be made to feel guilty for posting this blog. *sigh* A never-ending cycle of STUPID. If you don’t like me or what I said…delete me. Don’t waste my time or yours with more drama. And don’t bother with a negative comment. That’s another thing I’m trying to avoid. NEGATIVITY. All I can say is burn, baby burn!

You want me to talk?

I typed the following back in January. Me and the boyfriend had a bit of a fight and he always gets mad because I don’t talk to him. The truth is…I’m afraid to talk to him because what I have to say will hurt his feelings and I hate to do that. I don’t want to. So I stay silent. What prompted this fight and letter that never made it to him was this…. I went with a friend from high school who is more like an older brother to a movie and I was also with my other siblings. Jason and I go back a long way and I could NEVER think of him as anything else than a friend or adopted sibling. The boyfriend pretty much accused me of cheating on him. Let get things clear right here…. I AM NOT AND WILL NEVER BE A CHEATER. Here’s what I wrote:

You want me to talk, so here it is. All of this is random and not very well put together. These are things that I think about, but don’t say because I don’t want to be a bitch and I don’t want to hurt you.
Trust…the kind of trust I have been so sick about is that fact that you should know after 5 years of being with me that I would never willingly put myself in a situation where I knew there was a even a snowball’s chance in hell that I would cheat or someone would try to steal me away. I thought you had more respect for me than that. I have repeatedly said that I’m not like those other girls. I’m not even like you. And for the record…Jason is like family. I haven’t seen him since Adam passed. And if you want proof, ask my mom and dad.
And while I’m on the subject of Adam, you said you know I cry a lot about Adam’s death and while that’s true…99% of the time I don’t cry about Adam. I cry about this relationship and how I feel that I can’t change anything.
You say you want to marry me so bad, but you are making it impossible for me to consider. I told you that financially it is not in our best interest. And the problem is that you seem to be content to just get by when money is concerned. I can’t live like that. I wanted you to either find a better job or get yourself in school so you can make a better life for yourself that could include me. You don’t make responsible financial decisions and it has burned you numerous times and yet you still haven’t learned. My parents are never going to give their blessing because of that. Do you know how much that hurts? They love you to pieces, but they don’t want me in a situation like Dustin and Debbie. And I don’t want it either.
I gave you my virginity when I promised myself I wouldn’t give it to anyone until I was married. That used to be very precious to me. And now in the current situation I feel like a complete idiot.
I’ve been waiting for you to make changes. You live like a slob. I can’t think of a nicer way to say that and I’m sorry. I don’t want to clean up after you. Sometimes I think you want to marry me so I can mother you.
I’m tired of being compared to your past relationships. I’m so tired of hearing about marriage. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. There’s way more responsibility in a marriage and while I feel I’m capable of handling it, I don’t want it and I don’t know when I’ll want it. But most of all….I’m tired of waiting for things to make a turn for the better.
And when I’m pissed off at someone, I don’t want to see or hear them or even hear about them. It’s just how I am. I like to work through things on my own. That’s how I have always been and how I will always be. When I’m ready to talk about something I will. I don’t appreciate being badgered about it. If you don’t like it, then all I can say is… your loss.
There are things I want to do before I settle down. I want to travel. I want to go back to where I was born. I want to live in my own apartment. And I want to do them by myself to prove that I can do it on my own. I want to prove to myself that I can be independent. And living at Becki’s does not count. It wasn’t my place with my things. I want you to experience that same kind of independence too. I think you’ll grow and learn from it.
I’m sorry that I can’t be more to you right now. I’m sorry I can’t give you want you want. I’m sorry that I’m so selfish.

End. Yeah…I was pissed, but what I said was true. I wasn’t exaggerating out of anger. *sigh* Maybe now you can kinda see what I feel like?

Fighting the urge to run…

Everyday it gets a little bit harder to stop myself from just running away from it all. My life. I’ve even job searched for things away from here with the fantasy of getting hired and moving away without notice to anyone in my personal life and starting over. Leaving everyone. I just feel incredibly stuck you know? The teaching certificate will come eventually and I’ll have a new job soon..but it’s not fast enough for me.

I think it’s a bad sign that I want to escape so bad that I don’t even want to tell my family or my boyfriend where I’ll be. I feel like I can’t change anything and the only way I’m going to get what I want is to just drop it all and start anew.

I’m not ready to settle down. There’s so much I want to do. I keep hearing from all the older people in my life to “Do it while you are young, unmarried, without children.” But, I made a promise I regret. I promised not to break his heart. And I am sacrificing my own happiness so not to break his heart. Says an awful lot about me huh? I’d rather suffer than hurt another person. Fuck me. I love him, but …

The boyfriend went out of town this week and the moment I realized he was gone I wanted to go bat shit crazy and take off. And that’s so out of character for me. Maybe it’s the Provera induced period from hell and hormonal changes my body is going through? Maybe it’s the loneliness? Maybe I’m just selfish?

Don’t worry. I went home and ended up watching Stardust. bleah.

I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn inside. Another bad thing is that I’ve been thinking about someone a little too much lately. Someone who isn’t my boyfriend. I’m such a horrible person! I don’t know how to turn feelings off. Stupid girl. Stupid. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve secretly prayed that he would find someone else and leave me. That way I wouldn’t have to break his heart. Insane right?

This is a poorly thought out blog. I’m rambling. You see…my thoughts are a jumbled mess of nonsense. And it’s constant.

I said loneliness earlier because I am. I live with my family, but don’t see them much. My friends seem to only want me around when they want something from me. I think I got jipped in the personality department or something for them to treat me like that. I don’t have a real best friend to talk to. I desperately want that kind of relationship. I need a connection with someone. Someone I can talk to instead of vlogging/blogging to people who don’t know me from Adam. Don’t get me wrong. I’m incredibly blessed to have met the people from YouTube. I love them so much and they inspire me to be as positive as I can and they motivate me to keep going. But they aren’t here. They are scattered around the world. I’d give anything to live near JUST ONE of anyone of them. I mean that. I feel like I’m in Siberia or something.

Ugh..I better stop here before I the sniffles turn into sobs. LAME. Carry on.

How do you turn $4 into $35?

I went to my favorite nail salon to get a brow wax because I’d rather pay $4 for 3 seconds of pain than do it myself and fuck it up.

So I went in and usually they just sit me in one of their pedicure chairs and do the job and I pay and go, but NOT THIS TIME! I get lead to a back room I had no idea existed and I have to lay down on what looks like a massage table. Soothing music is put on and I get worried that maybe I was misunderstood. I think this woman is going try and wax my whole body or something!?!?

I silently panic and she starts talking in VERY broken English about ginseng creams and how it will make my skin beautiful and it’s only $15. I just smile and agree with whatever the fuck she said and close my eyes so she can get the brow wax done.

So she waxes my brows which normally doesn’t hurt too bad, but for some reason I wanted to jump off the table.

I think her yank angle was off.

After waxing…she begins to pluck hair for what seems like an eternity and I begin to worry that I won’t have any freaking brows left. As if that wasn’t enough…she breaks out a rubber band and starts threading my brows! JESUS woman! It was like she thought I had caterpillar eyebrows or some shit. (Not the case, btw.)

She rubs some cream on my tortured skin which burns like hell at first then cools like menthol. It was strange. I have to admit the forehead and temple massage with the creme was quite nice, but shortlived.

I have ridiculously sensitive skin.

As if the brow ordeal wasn’t bad enough the woman decides that I need my lip waxed, plucked, and threaded. I figure…why the hell not. The top half of my face is already red, might as well do the bottom and even the look out.

Geez.

That part wasn’t bad, but she got soothing cream up my left nostril. Awkward.

I’m such a friggin’ pushover. I have a hard time saying no to even the worst of salesmen. So when the lady said buy this $15 cream and it will make your skin beautiful..I was like..sure.

TINY $15 face cream.

So 20 minutes, a million hairs gone, and TINY jar of $15 face cream later… I leave the salon $35 poorer.  All I can say is… this shit better be worth it’s weight in platinum.

Depression…

I typed this out back in March.  I was in a really bad place.  I still have one foot in.

Depressed?

I never really considered myself to be.  I’ve been a pretty happy go-lucky person my entire life.  But even the perkiest of people can have a hidden dark gloomy side to them I suppose.

DJ asked me tonight if I am depressed.  I don’t know how to really answer that.  I mean…I never really sat down and thought about it.  I certainly have all the symptoms.  But depression is also a symptom of PCOS as well as hypothyroidism.  So…I really shouldn’t be surprised if I am.  I know I am not happy with my life as it is now.  I haven’t been for a while.

I’ll admit there are days that I just want to pack up and run away.  But that’s the cowards way out and I don’t want to be that kind of person.  And I’m not a cutter…so don’t freak out on me.  I don’t turn to drugs or alcohol.  Although…I guess chocolate could be considered a drug.  It does horrible things to your body.  *sigh*  I do like to hide.  I love to be by myself.  I think so much clearer when I’m alone.  It’s my only way of “escaping.”  It makes me sad that no one really understands that.  I just want people to let me be me.  I’m not the sort that loves to be pampered and loved on when I’ve had a bad day.  I don’t mind doing that for others, but I don’t like that for myself.  I sincerely appreciate the thought.  Truly, I do.  I have wanted to be alone an awful lot recently…but I’ve also desperately wanted to spend time with my friends.  Which is why I begged for people to join me at Lola’s.

I’m in a job that I used to love, but have grown to despise.  I feel like I wasted my time and money on getting a Bachelor’s degree.  I can’t remember half of what I learned in college.  And what I did learn, is now obsolete.  I should have tried harder to get a better job after college.  I shouldn’t have worried about where it might have taken me….even if it meant leaving people behind.  I busted my ass to get an education to make a better life for myself and to be independent and I’m making less than many with only a high school diploma.  I am not downing anyone that is making more than me…I’m just mad at myself for not doing more for myself.  I’m proud of everyone else who has made those accomplishments.  More than I can say.

I’ve been so worried about making others happy, I have put my own happiness in jeopardy.  I don’t blame anyone.   Not at all.  It’s my own fears that have crippled me.  I’m afraid to say what I want because it’s not what others want for me…or even for themselves.  Does that make sense?  Ugh.

It also doesn’t help that I have a hard time verbalizing what I need to get across to people.  I have it in my head, but putting into words is so terribly hard.  I don’t know where the disconnect is.  I guess that’s why I blog about things that bother me….because I have time to think and I can type it out and have it make more sense than if I said it out loud to anyone in particular.

I’m still growing as a person and I’m definitely not who I used to be.  I remember times when I said I would never go to a bar.  Mainly because I don’t drink.  However, my friends drink…and if I want to spend time with them…well sometimes I have to go to places that serve it.  I don’t mind, really I don’t.  I do, in fact, resent those who look down on me for going to these places.  I don’t get to go out much, my work schedule wreaks havok on my social life, so the times I do get to spend with friends is so very precious to me….even if it is in a bar.  I get such a natural high from being around them.  It’s a great feeling.  A feeling I haven’t had since Stacey’s was open.

There are things that have happened in my life that have changed my perspective on things.  Adam’s death being one of them.  There are so many things I want to accomplish on my own.  I know people think I’m being selfish.  I feel like the worst person in the world for it, but I can’t change who I am.  I don’t want any regrets.  I’m fully aware that I can’t make everyone happy.  And I’m so very exhausted with trying.

I’m tired of my job.  I’m tired of trying to live up to what I think others want from me.  I’m tired of being scared to say or go after what I want.  I’m tired of feeling stuck.  I don’t know if I really am or not, but I’m tired of feeling like I am.  I’m tired of not being a normal woman.  I’m so very tired of worrying about medications and what I should or shouldn’t eat.  I’m tired of all those disgusting symptoms of PCOS that make me feel like the ugliest person on Earth.  I’m tired of worrying about all the different members of my family.  I’m tired of people only calling when they want something from me.  I know this one is random, but I’m tired of all the fucking cats.  I’m tired of feeling unworthy or that I’ll never measure up.  I’m tired of hurting the ones I love by trying to be who I want to be or for not saying the things I think may hurt them.

I’m just so very tired.

6th Anniversary

Friday, July 17, 2009 is mine and the boyfriend’s anniversary.

I dread it.  I think I’ve always dreaded anniversaries of any kind really.  I’m not a mushy person.  I’m not really a romantic type person…although I really appreciate the idea.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t really experienced REAL romance.  For that matter…what is romance anyway?

Maybe I have and I just didn’t recognize it.

Maybe I’m not “in love” and that’s why I’m not seeing it?  I don’t know.

I love my boyfriend…but I don’t know if I am IN LOVE with him.  I don’t get butterflies when I’m around him or when I get a call from him.   To be honest… I don’t think I’ve EVER been in love.  And that scares me.

Am I wasting my time?  I know I am wasting his.  He deserves to be with someone who is just as head over heels in love with him as he says he is with me.

Ugh…I feel like I’m not expressing myself correctly.  That in itself is frustrating.  I don’t know how to talk to him without hurting him.  I made a promise to never break his heart.  Stupid.  STUPID. I try to never break a promise.  So I feel stuck.  I’m in a stalled relationship.  I feel like I’m missing out on life because I’m stuck here in only the 2nd relationship of my life.

He says I don’t talk to him.  Which is kind of true.  It’s hard to talk to someone who is hurt by the littlest of things.  It’s hard to change my mind about things when it makes him so uncomfortable to the point of anger.  I typed out a letter to him at least 3 times, but never gave it to him.  I have it saved.  I might put it up here some other time.  (This is one place I hope he will never know about.)  That’s another thing.   I can’t seem to have one thing that’s MINE…and private.

I really don’t know where I was going with this.  All I know is that I want to be able to REALLY FEEL LOVE without fear.

Maybe he is the person I am supposed to be with…maybe he isn’t.  How do I know?

I’ll figure it out eventually.